The Search

I type your name into space.

A multitude of emotions follow.

I want to see what you’re up to, but I pray that you aren’t up to no good.

Chances are non-existent that my search will retrieve a positive story.

Instead I get to relive past disappointments.

As long as they are in the past they provide a sense of relief.  

Nothing new…no new worry.

I can swallow and take a breath again, and take on my cold hearted demeanor once again.

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My Children

1. I gave birth to you, but I don’t know you; still you claim my heart.

2. And You…you don’t need me. You never did. It was sweet of you to pretend.

3. You…cling to me, and seek out my approval, but you are stronger than you know.

4. And you. You ARE me. I’m sorry, but it may serve you well.

My four beautiful creations. I could not have done better.

Every praise and prideful moment is wracked with guilt.

I stake no claim in a job well done.

I could no more than I could claim the poor choices made by another.

I did as much as I didn’t do.

You, my children, have a plethora of examples given by me, and those who raised you.  It is up to YOU to decide which path to follow.

I can be awake and aware, and let you know I love you. That is all.

Mom

I believe I am your identity.

Caregiver, confidant; friend.

I was the person who made you feel whole.

A HUGE responsibility!

You were amazing from the start.

I hold your stories dear.

My heart is yours…I will keep you there and make you proud.

I have your gift…of keeping people close, while keeping a distance that we control.

Happy

She was tired of living someone else’s dream.

No matter how much heart she poured out, it was never enough.

Her newfound focus ~ activity – movement – self-appreciation…

That would see her through.

She would walk away, and with such a smile!

Karma

Visiting.

Experiencing another view.

I attempt to form my body in a way that soothes my mind.

Because…that is the ultimate goal…soothing one’s mind.

However:

While in one’s mind…one can not be elsewhere.

Things and people may be forgotten.

Purposes unfold, with no one to gather them.

If you are here, you are not THERE.

You will be.  That is Certain.

You will be.

What goes around, comes around.

 

Unknown

There are friends who caught a glimpse.

Family members who shared the same.

But there remains a loneliness…

Every ONE experiences every experience as an individual experience.

Alone ~

A delusion negated.

How to start a day:

I know how to wake up.

I’m fairly good at showing up.

I can fake a smile,for the most part.

I have never figured out how to keep the machine running non-stop. A word better left unspoken; a mismanaged grimace in response to an internal conversation.

It’s all downhill from there.

Me vs. Me

All day, every day.

Every Day.

How can I keep from throwing all of my helpful wrenches directly into the gears?